Greetings, my fellow Redneck Debutantes:
This month’s HorrorScope begins with Libra. Why Libra? I’m a Redneck Debutante and this is my site, so I can begin the HorrorScope however the hell I want. Libra pretty much craps on the rest of the signs, as you will see. But that’s a typical Libra, huh?
Libra- The Scales (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Balanced, my ass. Venus wreaks havoc with your love life this month as it is in the House of the Rising Sun. A trip to New Orleans on the first will get you drunk and possibly killed. The heavenly bodies are knocked further out of alignment on the 2nd when you crash your Saturn into the Mercury of that bleached-blonde whore down the street with the lop-sided fake tits. You won’t even be able to balance your checkbook. Total redneck month for you, bitch.
Scorpio- The Scorpion (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Will you be whipping your tail or will someone else? The answer lies in the fact that Jupiter will be in retrograde. That means it may start spinning backwards and crash into Libra’s Saturn. Bitch of a month for her, huh? Anyway, whip that tail around and you won’t buy your own drinks all month. Good for you, girl! Debutante month!
Sagittarius- The Archer Centaur (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Bad news on the 23rd, sweetie. Your husband Joe Bob “accidentally” shoots you in the ass with a crossbow while y’all are out buck hunting. Oh, don’t worry. You’ll survive. After being in a coma for the entire next month, you’ll wake up with amnesia and forget him telling you to put on a 10-point antler hat and run from the blind to attract the attention of other bucks. Unless you’ve got gay deer in your neck-of-the-woods, you’re an idiot. And you deserve a redneck month.
Capricorn- The Goat (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
You are under the sign of the devil. Try to leave town on the 8th. Your 10-year-old son, Bubba Jr., will be in juvie for running over your neighbors’ pet possum on his 4-wheeler and then smearing dog crap all over the windshield of their Camaro. Pluto will be in the house of Canis Major and will align with Mars on the 14th. This means nothing for you. Looks like you’re in for one HELL of a redneck month, loser.
Aquarius- The Water Bearer (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
What a coincidence! Aquarius is also the name of your blind date’s daughter. His other children are Listerine, Bocephus, Calemondarious and Heather. Not to fret. After dropping you off at home following a romantic dinner at Krystal on the 18th, his ’86 Ford Escort is hit head-on by Libra in her Saturn and he dies at the scene. At the funeral on the 22nd, you will meet Watsford Worthington IV and you take off for a weekend at the Gulf Coast in his BMW convertible. Debutante month for you, sugar!
Pisces- The Fish (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Don’t worry, sweetie. Some vinegar and water will take care of that. Now, for some GOOD news. The world is your oyster so go buy yourself some pearls (or a sexy ankle bracelet) with the personal injury check you receive on the 30th from when Libra rammed her Saturn into your Mercury on the 2nd and a party barge with the malpractice check you got for your bad boob job. Deb month for you!
Aries- The Ram (Mar 21- Apr 19)
Personal injury check for you too, as the bitch in the Saturn rams your Ram on the 11th. Not so fast, though. You’re eight months behind on your trailer payment and the insurance company that cuts you the check for your Ram happens to be owned by the bank that has your trailer note. They’ll track you down at your 14th address. Yep, the satellite dish is a gonner too. Redneck month for you, trailer trash. I mean, homeless bitch.
Taurus- The Bull (Apr 20 – May 20)
Yep, you guessed it. Libra will drive her Saturn into your Taurus on the 13th. Good thing she didn’t get your Dodge Ram Lone Star Edition. Also lucky your husband Bill (nicknamed Bull because, well you know…) will only lose one nut in that hunting accident on the 17th. Great news though, that the replacement surgery will be a success. Go have yourself a facial and a manicure, Miss Debutante!
Gemini- The Twins (May 21 – Jun 20)
You and your hot twin meet 2 hot twin guys. 6’2”, 195, blonde hair, blue eyes, muscular, 5 years younger than y’all and size 14 feet. Unfortunately for you both, neither of them is proportional. Twins down to the SMALLEST detail. The only good news is Libra doesn’t kill you in her Saturn. Better luck next month, rednecks.
Cancer- The Crabs (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
Holy crap!! Get some shampoo and a comb!. Better yet, a razor. Redneck month for you, floozy.
Leo- The Lion (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty… RRRROOOOOOWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!!! ‘Nuf said. Have yourself a debutante month, darlin’!
Virgo- The Virgin (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Virgin? Bitch, please!! You get slammed more times than tequila shots at a Mexican happy hour. Good sex month for you. However, be warned of the skinny red-headed guy with the veins poking out of his forehead that you’ve seen at the smokey bar you frequent. He’s creepy and you’ll catch something you can’t wash off. Avoid him and it’s a debutante month for you, slut.
